Not far from home

Though I had never been in this older house before in Jersey City, it is familiar as are the people in the neighborhood. The house is worn, but warm with lots of character and love. Outside, the memories of my childhood in the Bronx as it was “burning” in the 80’s seem so vivid here and yet I have not thought of them for many years. I was determined to leave them behind when I made a home for my sons. Here I faced sometimes unpleasant memories and reconciled them with the reality in front of me.

My initial emotion was disdain for the neighborhood, it’s unkempt streets and old homes, some abandoned and boarded up. I saw what most outsiders probably do, but I should know better having grown up in a similar neighborhood. I didn’t know what made me more uncomfortable: the fact that I felt unsafe or my prejudice against these strangers and the neighborhood. I thought I was less judgemental. I have been in poorer places around the world and could see the beauty in simplicity and have compassion for their hardships. I rarely felt unsafe. Something about this place brought me back to my childhood. Funny how you hold on to things without realizing.

I did not like my own thoughts or emotions. I had to face them and sit with them for a while. First I justified them as necessary for self preservation, but I knew that was an excuse. I was forced to re-examine my childhood and young adult years with fresh eyes and let them go. There were plenty of painful memories, fear and feelings of never belonging, but the reality is they had nothing to do with the neighborhood or the people in front of me. Most people were actually friendly, especially the children.

My son was blessed with a warm welcome every time we went to the neighborhood park. He is outgoing (unlike me) and makes friends easily. The children never judged him for his appearance or as a stranger, unlike my experiences as a child. Multiage groups of children played together, watched out for each other, shared and included my son in a way that contrasted so much with the children in our own middle class neighborhood that it struck me. These children reminded me to look at all people and places with fresh eyes. My son’s innocent perspective enabled me to let go of my preconceived opinions and my past pains and move on. I left this 10 day house sit feeling more comfortable in this neighborhood and in my own skin.

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My son has taught me so much

When Alex was first born I clearly remember staring into his beautiful face thinking “what do I want for you more than anything?” And the word that came to me after a long time was “respect”. I wanted him to have self respect, respect for others and the world. I believe that when you respect things how could you choose poorly. It forces you to evaluate the situation and decide “does this choice reflect your values?” I raised him with this principal always in the forefront of my mind.

Throughout the years I’m sure I fell short of my goals more than I realize. At the moment we all make the best decisions and choices that we can given the situation. However, I’m a bit of a perfectionist so when I was blessed with the prospect of another child I could not make those same mistakes twice. I reflect often on my shortcomings and ignorance, try to forgive myself and live more intentionally. I now believe that while perfection is unattainable and an illusion, we should always strive to learn from the past and live in the present.

While respect is still a fundamental value to me, I also want my younger son to be seen for who he is and feel it. I often regret that I did not stop to fully engage with my oldest as he spoke with me. There were so many missed opportunities to engage him as I was drowning in thoughts, things to do and worries as a single working mother. Often I know I provided solutions when all he needed was someone to listen. Problem solving is a valuable skill that must be developed and I robbed him of many opportunities in my haste to get things done. Sadly, my interference and impatience also undermined his confidence. The products of my mistakes surfaced during highschool, but I only recognized them because I could finally see the young man struggling to make himself known to me. Too many years later.

My oldest son, now twenty five years old, has never ceased to amaze me with wisdom beyond his years, his kindness, intelligence and of course his respect for himself, others and the world. Alex is much better at problem solving now. He still does not realize his own value, but that took me forty years. He told me recently that he wants to be remembered for living his values. I would say that he is a reminder that children are a product of their environment and also fortunately, very forgiving of their parents’ shortcomings.

Re-education

Being a mother is a full time job that I take seriously. I love my boys and I am proud of the individuals that they are. I feel my job is to support them and protect their individuality from the conformity that society prescribes. Honestly, I did not always believe that last statement. You can ask my first son who often heard me say “suck it up, this is the game we must play to succeed in this society”. This is what I was raised to believe, like I would imagine many of my generation.

Life and my crazy husband gave me a second chance when my second son was born almost 18 years after the first. I had the luxury of reflecting upon what I enjoyed about being a mother, what I thought went well and and what I would change. I was blessed with bright sons who are curious and interested in learning about the world. Honestly, I believe all children have these traits, it is just not always so obvious as with these two chatty boys who wear their hearts on their sleeves. I could not limit my younger son’s growth as I had the first, and I had to acknowledge to my older son that I recognized my mistake and apologize. My older son all but patted me on the head and said “it’s OK mom you tried your best” and re-affirmed my suspicions that the traditional education system in the US is broken despite him thriving within it.

Now I wholeheartedly protect my sons’ rights to individuality and their right to an education and a life that does not require them to conform to societal norms. That led me to find a project based learning school – The Hudson Lab School, that supports the individual children’s needs and learning styles. The children are encouraged to take risks, explore, make mistakes and ask questions. It has been a wonderful experience for my son and helped me to re-educate myself on how learning can be meaningful, engaging and natural. This has been a wonderful transition to the homeschooling/worldschooling that we will undertake while we are on the road this summer. Thankfully the angst over finding the perfect curriculum and teaching has subsided, because I now understand that learning happens naturally if you support an individuals curiosities and take the opportunities to learn wherever you are and in everything you do. I am actually excited to learn together and from each other as we travel, because as I look back the most important lessons I learned from my family and life, not in school.